Day Three, I decided to live!

Just about everything in my life has always gone right.  My world came crashing down, however, a few years ago.  My husband and I had learned that we were expecting our third child.  Life was good!  Our family was growing.  Our kids were happy and life was stress-free.  We'd had our first doctor's visit...was given a clean bill of health and was a week away from celebrating the end of the first trimester.  I had already started to show and....................that's when it happened.  Life as I knew it, changed forever.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  I had worked out that morning and had felt really good.  I woke up early the next morning, went to use the restroom and noticed a small amount of blood--I was spotting.

Of course, I called the doctor, who suggested that I come right over.  The bleeding had stopped.  The pregnancy test he had me take was still positive.  He took my hormone levels and wanted me to come back in 48 hours to take them again.  I guess the hormone levels were supposed to increase at a certain rate in a normal pregnancy.  My hormone levels came back depressingly low....and there was no heartbeat.  At that time, he suggested a DNC, noting that the pregnancy was not progressing as it should and that eventually the pregnancy would completely terminate itself.  As we suspected, I had had a miscarriage.

There is no feeling more humbling, more painful and more gut-wrenching than the loss of a child.   Despite all the reason in the world, nothing or no one could convince me that it wasn't my fault.  People said what they thought would make me feel better.  Others acted as though nothing had happened--after all, it wasn't a baby yet!  I retreated, didn't discuss it with anyone and held all those feelings inside.  Can you imagine having to sign a piece of paper allowing the hospital to bury your baby's remains--because it was a Catholic hospital.............and being given a beautiful little angel in a soft sachet--to remind you for the rest of your life of your loss?

The most difficult part of our loss was that I blamed myself.  I was on such a mission to stay in shape, that I wasn't focusing on the life that I was carrying; instead I was focusing on the size I would be after pregnancy.  Wow...It has taken me years to release that thought...I found out from my doctor casually, before he knew that I had miscarried that I shouldn't be lifting more than 10 pounds under any circumstance.  I had lifted 30 the day before...what a horrible feeling!

After that, I couldn't think about babies, see babies or hold babies without feeling sick.  I also couldn't entertain the thought of having another.  In my mind, we were done--because I didn't think that I could handle the pain of another miscarriage.  My husband and I didn't talk about it.  We somehow managed to live for four years without discussing it.  He didn't want to do anything to cause me pain...and I felt for him.  He was alone in the waiting room, as I had the DNC.  No man should ever have to go through that...He, too, had no outlet...

What I realize now is that I should have talked about it.  I needed support.  We needed support.  I blamed myself.  I didn't realize how much guilt I was carrying until I had my nine-month old daughter.  She is like a breath of fresh air.  She is  like an attachment.  I even put work on hold, working as little as possible during the summer so that I can enjoy every minute of that little sweet girl!

I also realize that I completely stopped working out because I had so much guilt around it.  In my mind, my working out was the cause of the miscarriage...and any reminder of working out caused me to feel bad.  I also felt that with every chocolate chip cookie that I ate, the pain felt a little bit better...
some sick form of self-punishment, I suppose...

Today, however, is a new day.  I talk to my daughter every day about gymnastics being a mental sport.  I keep telling her that 95% of the battle is believing that she can do it.  It's time to take my own advice!  I have given myself a date of September 1st to return to work and today is the day that I vow to eat better, to exercise again and to get back to the physical activity that I once loved.

I called Renee, my former personal trainer, (www.fitwithrenee.com) at 10:15pm last night.  Her vibrant voice and laughter made me feel good.  She laughed at the fact that it was 10:15pm and all I could say was, "Renee, I'm ready to come back."  She sounded happy.  I am excited and I know that this is the beginning of a new me.  She and I are meeting next Wednesday for a consultation.  I feel good and am going to take the girls for a bike ride today.

Will you help inspire me and others by joining this cause?  Please comment and tell me what you are doing today to live your best life.  Looking forward to Day Four...

                                                        When I was "Fit With Renee":)